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  Jokes taken from the BBC Newsnight emails

1st April 2003

Christopher Milward emails from Vancouver with news from his local pub. A man walked in several weeks ago and ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, taking a sip from each one in turn. When he had finished all three pints, he returned to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender told him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The man replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember each other. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for meself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.

Then one day he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The man looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
  

24th March 2003

The panda goes into a restaurant and orders a pizza and a beer, eats the pizza and then produces a gun from his pocket, firing five shots into the ceiling. The panda then runs away. Armed police surround the area and eventually arrest the panda.

"Hey," says the police chief, "what's the meaning of this outrage?"
"I'm a panda," says the panda.
"So?" says the police chief.
"Go look it up in the dictionary. That will explain exactly why I did what I did."
The police chief looks up "panda" in the dictionary. The dictionary entry reads: "Panda: a bear-like mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."

12th March 2003

David Smith sends the latest despatch from the sex war. I have my worries about whose side he's on.
One day, three men out hiking unexpectedly came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a boat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed, with the words, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

6th March 2003

Too good an opportunity to miss the chance to retell the story of the Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer travelling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap. When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek. The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'
  

4th March 2003

Some stories you may have missed in the papers.
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was yesterday rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

25th February 2003

For all the assurances about how high morale is in the forces, the following voicemail message transcript was sent in by someone in the Ministry of Defence. It manages to give offence to all three services quite effortlessly.
'Thank you for calling the Ministry of Defence. I am sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please press '1' to leave a message, with your country, name of organisation, region, details of the specific crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we have sorted out Bosnia, Kosovo, Sierra Leone, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Al Qaeda, the fire strike, as well as marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will get back to you. Please speak after the tone. 
For other services, please listen to the following options: 
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press '2' for the Royal Marines. 
If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk bombing runs, please press '3' for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hrs or at weekends. 

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags, and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall, London. 

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press '4' for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps. 

Only if you are in real, hot trouble, then press '5' and your call will be routed to Sandline International'.
If you are interested in joining the Armed Forces and wish to be shouted at, paid very little, don't need sleep (insomniacs preferred), have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a dismal office down by the railway station. Have a pleasant day, and thank you for trying to contact the British Army.